I was counting down the days. I was so excited to finally hold our child in my arms. More so I couldn't wait to see John holding him in his arms, my heart still aches for these moments. It doesn't seem right, every day counting down so ready, the next planning his memorial. All of our hopes and dreams, our futures and our hearts CRUSHED.
Now here I sit, alone. I should be juggling house cleaning and laundry while he finally naps and doing it all on three hours of sleep. I should be singing to him in my arms, losing sleep, and staring into his eyes. I should be in awe of his first smile, his first laugh, his first everything. But, instead I am in awe of what could have been. In awe of how this was suppose to be the happiest year of our lives, and somehow it turned out to be the worst. My life is the polar opposite of what it should be today. I am so sad, hollow, and I feel alone in this at times.
Smiling. I'm able to do that some these days. You may see me smile and laugh, but just know that behind that I'm still empty. I'm still torn. I still cry ALL THE TIME. I still miss our Asher so much, and I always will. I can't believe this is my life!! Why!!!? Why me? Why Asher? God knows I can't handle something like this! I have slipped into the darkness again. I feel hopeless, because Asher is gone, forever. I will never again be as happy as I was when he was here with us.
I miss him so much. I would give anything to have him here with us. I hate this life I have been given.
I had to come find you here as you are not able to get emails to your regular email address....i got so worried, and was SOOOOO happy to see June 3 on this post...ok im going to read it now but want you to know im thinking of you and ill come after and add a comment again...xoxo
ReplyDeleteok im back....Ughhhh WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY IS THE f'n question of the year...i have to tell you how i KNEW what you would write because we have the same brain...i miss Alyssa and I know you miss Asher...im staring at the pictures adjacent to this comment box and your smile is tremendous...and it breaks my heart because i know you cant smile like that right now...i would love for you to put the picture up of the clock..i think Asher may want it in his area....write me and let me know you are "ok" as can be...love u and thinking of you xoxoo
ReplyDeletethe WHY's are the worst part of all of this. i am a logical person so it kills when there's sense to be made of something. it's really humbling to realize how quickly our dreams can be crushed and plans become null and void.
ReplyDeletesince i can't edit my previous post - "it kills ME when there's NO sense to be made." sorry for not proofreading!
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