Lost

When I run into people I haven't seen in a while and they ask "so what have you been up to" I answer "I had a baby....but he died". I can't help it. I mean I want people to know about him, but I HATE having to follow it up with he died. I hate that this is my life. I hate that I feel like I have lost everything when I lost Asher including my mind. I HATE hearing about others newborns and seeing pictures, isn't that sad? I hate that I hate seeing newborns and pregnant women. I am absoloutely out of my mind lately, I don't know who I am anymore. I sit and look around and feel the emptiness inside me and I think 'this is not suppose to be my life'. I feel alone, empty, useless and hopeless. I did run back into some of my old friends that were like family to me. We played music and I use to be in a band with a couple of them and it was probably the best time of my life when we were creating amazing music. We are thinking of getting back together and I feel like God has done this for me as a way for me to express myself because that's how I've always done it, through writing and singing. So that's one thing, and for those brief moments while I'm singing a song, I'm gone. I escape into that song. Anyway I don't know why I can't have my son. I was ready, WE were ready and he was so loved. Why did our son die when we did everything right? But some crackheads and people who don't give a damn have a litter of kids that they neglect? Ugh...it's true life really isn't fair. I feel so lost. I don't know who I am anymore or who I am suppose to be because I'm suppose to be "mama". I hate this.