Tuesday, June 29, 2010
The worst gets unbearable...
So, I have lost my son and now John and I are splitting after almost three years together. Yes, I guess we are now a statistic. It has been a rocky road since our son died and we both said some things to each other that were completely out of line and that was the last straw.
I can not begin to tell you what I am going through right now. I am having to pack up my things (and Asher's well most) and move out of the house that I was suppose to be raising my first son in. I am a mess. I had always envisioned us a happy little family and now look where I am at! No baby and now No Love! I am going downhill fast. I am so torn apart about leaving the nursery that I made for my son. I was suppose to watch him take his first steps in this house! This is my home too! But, of course I am now moving in with my wonderful sister. However, I may be moving into a mental ward soon (hey pack lightly huh?).
I am such a wreck I can barely breathe. I am trying to give this all up to God but it is still so hard I am only human. I don't know what I am going to do at all. This is not suppose to be my life! What the fuck is going on! This is fucking bullshit! Why do I deserve such a tragic fucking life!! Why! I am a good person with a huge heart yet I can't catch a fucking break!!! I am dead inside and I don't know how to go on anymore.
We did go on our trip to Miami. I was able to carve Asher's name into a tree down there about 50 ft from the Atlantic Ocean in a beautiful park (at night shh don't tell anyone). I hope that you all can pray for me and send me some good energy because I tell you what, I've lost everything including my mind.
Oh and did I mention Asher's clock stopped ticking again...4 minutes away from his birth time. Go figure...