Tuesday, June 29, 2010

The worst gets unbearable...

So, I have lost my son and now John and I are splitting after almost three years together. Yes, I guess we are now a statistic. It has been a rocky road since our son died and we both said some things to each other that were completely out of line and that was the last straw.
I can not begin to tell you what I am going through right now. I am having to pack up my things (and Asher's well most) and move out of the house that I was suppose to be raising my first son in. I am a mess. I had always envisioned us a happy little family and now look where I am at! No baby and now No Love! I am going downhill fast. I am so torn apart about leaving the nursery that I made for my son. I was suppose to watch him take his first steps in this house! This is my home too! But, of course I am now moving in with my wonderful sister. However, I may be moving into a mental ward soon (hey pack lightly huh?).

I am such a wreck I can barely breathe. I am trying to give this all up to God but it is still so hard I am only human. I don't know what I am going to do at all. This is not suppose to be my life! What the fuck is going on! This is fucking bullshit! Why do I deserve such a tragic fucking life!! Why! I am a good person with a huge heart yet I can't catch a fucking break!!! I am dead inside and I don't know how to go on anymore.

We did go on our trip to Miami. I was able to carve Asher's name into a tree down there about 50 ft from the Atlantic Ocean in a beautiful park (at night shh don't tell anyone). I hope that you all can pray for me and send me some good energy because I tell you what, I've lost everything including my mind.

Oh and did I mention Asher's clock stopped ticking again...4 minutes away from his birth time. Go figure...


  1. Im worried about you. :( Please let me know you're hanging in there honey.

  2. i'm so, so sorry. please let us know how you're doing. sending you a hug...

  3. Crystal I am so worried about you, i have emailed bbcd and i want to give you your space, but you know how much i love you...i finally thought of coming here after your myspace updates stopped and i just read the whole story...im sorry i wasnt there right away...i have been borderline stalking you at this point...thinking of you and asher ALWAYS!!!

    antoinette & Alyssa

  4. Hi Crystal, You don't know me and I don't know if you'll even get this message as it's over a year and a half since you last posted. I found your blog linked on another baby loss blog. I am really sorry to read about your loss, including that of your relationship. Perhaps you guys patched things up? Whatever, I hope you aren't feeling as miserable as you were back then. Perhaps you are even a mommy again. I just hope you are happier now. I lost my baby April 2011 and have been struggling. I saw a clinical psychologist and she advised me to plan my days a bit and to take fish oil for depression and that's helped somewhat. I'm sure things will improve in time, but it's still very hard. It was my first baby that we lost and I am an older mum so there's a good chance I may never get another chance at being a mum. I had to have a c-section too. My baby was born with severe brain damage that they couldn't find a cause for. I really, really hope you are doing better now. If you would like to reply to me my email is sarahpenniall@gmail.com