The worst gets unbearable...

So, I have lost my son and now John and I are splitting after almost three years together. Yes, I guess we are now a statistic. It has been a rocky road since our son died and we both said some things to each other that were completely out of line and that was the last straw.
I can not begin to tell you what I am going through right now. I am having to pack up my things (and Asher's well most) and move out of the house that I was suppose to be raising my first son in. I am a mess. I had always envisioned us a happy little family and now look where I am at! No baby and now No Love! I am going downhill fast. I am so torn apart about leaving the nursery that I made for my son. I was suppose to watch him take his first steps in this house! This is my home too! But, of course I am now moving in with my wonderful sister. However, I may be moving into a mental ward soon (hey pack lightly huh?).

I am such a wreck I can barely breathe. I am trying to give this all up to God but it is still so hard I am only human. I don't know what I am going to do at all. This is not suppose to be my life! What the fuck is going on! This is fucking bullshit! Why do I deserve such a tragic fucking life!! Why! I am a good person with a huge heart yet I can't catch a fucking break!!! I am dead inside and I don't know how to go on anymore.

We did go on our trip to Miami. I was able to carve Asher's name into a tree down there about 50 ft from the Atlantic Ocean in a beautiful park (at night shh don't tell anyone). I hope that you all can pray for me and send me some good energy because I tell you what, I've lost everything including my mind.

Oh and did I mention Asher's clock stopped ticking again...4 minutes away from his birth time. Go figure...

So of course this year Father's Day falls on my Birthday, double whammy. So it will suck for a few reasons. One because I know it's john's first father's day and he has to share it with my birthday. Two, because I will be down on top of John being down. Three, and the worst of all, it's two "firsts" without Asher in one day.
We should be pretty busy on that day thankfully, because we are going on vacation Monday. All I can think about on this vacations is writing his name in the sand. I feel like we are leaving him here in a way and it's horrible. I know that he will be with us as he always is I just hate this. We were planning to have a vacation this summer after he was born but no matter where I go or what I do I can't escape myself. I can't escape my pain and this emptiness.


Well, anyway John's aunt got us this beautiful crystal clock with Asher's footprints in it. We have it on his memorial table with his ashes and other things. I think it was suppose to represent "time heals all things". Ironically, the clock is broken and doesn't work. Figures. But it's still very beautiful and we love it.

So of course after this happened I heard a million times how "it will get better with time". Well, I am afraid that of course I am the odd one out because it is NOT getting better. As a matter of fact it may be getting worse. I feel like I have lost my mind and my will to live. I feel like a shell of a person just walking around pointlessly looking for something I can never have. I think that every minute is farther away from the last time I had my son with me. I will never forget the horrible pain the first night in the hospital was filled with, and not physical pain. The pain of being separated from your child for the first time, and never getting him back. I am consumed with racing thoughts of how things should have been. How fucked up my "life" is now. John and I aren't getting along too well of course statistics don't lie do they? Everything has fallen apart for me this year when this was suppose to be the happiest and busiest time in my life I feel apathetic and empty. I can't fathom how it will ever "get better". I can only imagine getting number to the pain. Even then, I am still just a shell, nothing left inside anymore. I died when my son did, just not physically.

Lost

When I run into people I haven't seen in a while and they ask "so what have you been up to" I answer "I had a baby....but he died". I can't help it. I mean I want people to know about him, but I HATE having to follow it up with he died. I hate that this is my life. I hate that I feel like I have lost everything when I lost Asher including my mind. I HATE hearing about others newborns and seeing pictures, isn't that sad? I hate that I hate seeing newborns and pregnant women. I am absoloutely out of my mind lately, I don't know who I am anymore. I sit and look around and feel the emptiness inside me and I think 'this is not suppose to be my life'. I feel alone, empty, useless and hopeless. I did run back into some of my old friends that were like family to me. We played music and I use to be in a band with a couple of them and it was probably the best time of my life when we were creating amazing music. We are thinking of getting back together and I feel like God has done this for me as a way for me to express myself because that's how I've always done it, through writing and singing. So that's one thing, and for those brief moments while I'm singing a song, I'm gone. I escape into that song. Anyway I don't know why I can't have my son. I was ready, WE were ready and he was so loved. Why did our son die when we did everything right? But some crackheads and people who don't give a damn have a litter of kids that they neglect? Ugh...it's true life really isn't fair. I feel so lost. I don't know who I am anymore or who I am suppose to be because I'm suppose to be "mama". I hate this.

Going Insane Without My Child

I was counting down the days. I was so excited to finally hold our child in my arms. More so I couldn't wait to see John holding him in his arms, my heart still aches for these moments. It doesn't seem right, every day counting down so ready, the next planning his memorial. All of our hopes and dreams, our futures and our hearts CRUSHED.
Now here I sit, alone. I should be juggling house cleaning and laundry while he finally naps and doing it all on three hours of sleep. I should be singing to him in my arms, losing sleep, and staring into his eyes. I should be in awe of his first smile, his first laugh, his first everything. But, instead I am in awe of what could have been. In awe of how this was suppose to be the happiest year of our lives, and somehow it turned out to be the worst. My life is the polar opposite of what it should be today. I am so sad, hollow, and I feel alone in this at times.
Smiling. I'm able to do that some these days. You may see me smile and laugh, but just know that behind that I'm still empty. I'm still torn. I still cry ALL THE TIME. I still miss our Asher so much, and I always will. I can't believe this is my life!! Why!!!? Why me? Why Asher? God knows I can't handle something like this! I have slipped into the darkness again. I feel hopeless, because Asher is gone, forever. I will never again be as happy as I was when he was here with us.
I miss him so much. I would give anything to have him here with us. I hate this life I have been given.

About my tattoo

We lost Asher when I was a few days away from being 37 weeks (full term) It's still kind of hard to sit and write about. I planned on getting a tattoo for him when he was born, and sadly it turned into a memorial tattoo. I was trying to decide what I wanted. I know alot of people get their childs footprints, but I wanted something different. As I was sitting in his room looking through his memory box, through the tears I was holding the bracelet that he had on in the hospital. You know the ones that they wear on their little ankles and the mother wears one on her wrist to identify mother and baby belong together. At that moment the idea came over me and I knew I wanted to get my "mother bracelet" tattooed. We had the same numbers on our bracelets, and though he wore his, I never got to wear mine. I got it tattooed on his due date on April 29 2010 and is was a very theraputic thing for me. I am so glad that I have this bracelet tattooed on me forever, it has our numbers. We do belong together and I will wear it forever even though I didn't wear it in the hospital. I feel like I needed some physical peice of him as I had him for so long in my womb and then nothing at all. On the inside of my arm on the other side of the bracelet is his name. Asher. My first baby, I love and miss him so much.

My new blog, my new therapy...

I created this blog mostly to keep in touch with other Angel mommies but also as a way to express myself through this difficult time in my life.

Our Story is like many other angel mommies' stories. On March 27 (36 weeks pregnant) I hadn't felt my son move so I went in to Labor and Delivery. I was monitered briefly and the Dr. did a sonogram and said that everything looked great and he had one of the best leg bones he'd ever seen before! Well that was on a Saturday. On Sunday I still didn't feel him moving like he usually did so I decided to go into my midwife's office first thing Monday morning. That was the worst day of my life. When they could not find our son's heartbeat, It was gone, He was gone, my heart left with him that day too. I delivered him the same day via c-section because he was transverse. I'm pretty lucky to have had a c-section , in my opinion, and I requested to be knocked out completely as It wouldn't matter I wouldn't hear him cry when he came out anyway. Shortly after he was delivered I held my son briefly as I was crying and shaking I kissed his little head I told him that I loved him. I lifted his hat to see his hair. I also had to close his mouth as it came open while I was holding him. He was beautiful. Perfect in every single way. And now he truly is perfection as he is in heaven with family and friends and God.

I miss him everyday. I can't beleive this has happened to me in particular because I am pretty good at dwelling on things to begin with and have suffered many losses already in my life. I just can't beleive God thinks I am strong enough for such pain and heart ache. I miss my son so badly. I was so eager to have him out of my belly and here with us. Now I just wish I could keep him buried softly in my womb forever, and in some ways he still is.

This is all for now.