About my tattoo

We lost Asher when I was a few days away from being 37 weeks (full term) It's still kind of hard to sit and write about. I planned on getting a tattoo for him when he was born, and sadly it turned into a memorial tattoo. I was trying to decide what I wanted. I know alot of people get their childs footprints, but I wanted something different. As I was sitting in his room looking through his memory box, through the tears I was holding the bracelet that he had on in the hospital. You know the ones that they wear on their little ankles and the mother wears one on her wrist to identify mother and baby belong together. At that moment the idea came over me and I knew I wanted to get my "mother bracelet" tattooed. We had the same numbers on our bracelets, and though he wore his, I never got to wear mine. I got it tattooed on his due date on April 29 2010 and is was a very theraputic thing for me. I am so glad that I have this bracelet tattooed on me forever, it has our numbers. We do belong together and I will wear it forever even though I didn't wear it in the hospital. I feel like I needed some physical peice of him as I had him for so long in my womb and then nothing at all. On the inside of my arm on the other side of the bracelet is his name. Asher. My first baby, I love and miss him so much.

My new blog, my new therapy...

I created this blog mostly to keep in touch with other Angel mommies but also as a way to express myself through this difficult time in my life.

Our Story is like many other angel mommies' stories. On March 27 (36 weeks pregnant) I hadn't felt my son move so I went in to Labor and Delivery. I was monitered briefly and the Dr. did a sonogram and said that everything looked great and he had one of the best leg bones he'd ever seen before! Well that was on a Saturday. On Sunday I still didn't feel him moving like he usually did so I decided to go into my midwife's office first thing Monday morning. That was the worst day of my life. When they could not find our son's heartbeat, It was gone, He was gone, my heart left with him that day too. I delivered him the same day via c-section because he was transverse. I'm pretty lucky to have had a c-section , in my opinion, and I requested to be knocked out completely as It wouldn't matter I wouldn't hear him cry when he came out anyway. Shortly after he was delivered I held my son briefly as I was crying and shaking I kissed his little head I told him that I loved him. I lifted his hat to see his hair. I also had to close his mouth as it came open while I was holding him. He was beautiful. Perfect in every single way. And now he truly is perfection as he is in heaven with family and friends and God.

I miss him everyday. I can't beleive this has happened to me in particular because I am pretty good at dwelling on things to begin with and have suffered many losses already in my life. I just can't beleive God thinks I am strong enough for such pain and heart ache. I miss my son so badly. I was so eager to have him out of my belly and here with us. Now I just wish I could keep him buried softly in my womb forever, and in some ways he still is.

This is all for now.